5 Healthy Marriage Habits

My sweet Theardis and I are coming up on 2 years of marriage. We have enjoyed many ups and downs doing life together and learning what it truly means to be “Better Together.”

In the midst of life, it is often the regular disciplines and habits that help us stay the course to meet goals, accomplish successes, and get stuff done. What we are realizing more and more, is how habits can create health in a marriage. When two busy people consistently make time to communicate and connect, it can foster intimacy and build trust that are both insanely crucial to the relationship.

I have compiled a short list of marriage habits that we have found useful. This is no way a comprehensive list. However, these are things that have benefitted us, and countless other couples, some of whom I have had the privilege of helping. All of these things can be done (to some extent) with kids or without.

Praying together. This may look different for all couples, and can also look different in different seasons of life. Maybe you pray together before work, or at the end of the day, before meals, or through text/email or phone calls. Sometimes, we will use one night a month to journal and pray together, in order to get us on the same page spiritually.
Going to bed together. This may be a difficult one for those who are in seasons of working opposite schedules or with children, but can I say, it makes a world of difference to start and end your day on the same page, in the same bed, as your spouse. The act of being in bed together increases the possibility of communication and physical connection – both huge health indicators in marriage. (AKA more SEX).
Eating dinner together. There is something that happens over a shared meal that brings people together. Food and love and family seem to go hand in hand in cultures around the world, but sometimes we get caught up in the day-to-day rush and lose the intimacy of a shared meal.
Weekly date nights. This is one we have learned from several great examples through our church family and friends. When we intentionally take the time to date our spouse, it helps us continue getting to know them. This can mean trying new things, looking nice for each other, and investing in shared experiences. It basically communicates to each other that you still find the other attractive and worthy of your time. A weekly date night is a great place to use a tool we have come to love called the Navigator’s Council. It’s a handy book that helps us stay on the same page and check in regularly about the nature and status of our relationship through six simple questions.
S-E-X. This goes hand in hand with going to bed at the same time. It’s a whole lot easier to have sex when you’re both in the same room… From my personal experience as well as research in marriage therapy, many of the above habits of connecting and communicating can feed into a more satisfied sex life. If you have a hard time talking about sex, check out Gottman Card Decks, which will not only provide topics to discuss like sex and intimacy, but can also give you some mild, medium, or spicy ideas on new things to try together. You will also find various prompts on how to connect with each other and create more “rituals for connection. “

What are some habits YOU do to stay connected in your marriage?

Other Marriage Resources:

Embrace Small Deaths

Death is not normally a topic that is commonplace in our society today. It is something everyone reaches eventually, but the majority of people try to avoid as long as possible, whether in their own life, or even in conversation. Today I’m not writing about death in the traditional sense, but more about the many small deaths we experience of ourselves, our ideas about the future, and expectations of other people.

Wee may die a series of small deaths each day or see these deaths happen over a longer period of time. Either way, we encounter death more often than we think, and for some, it is not welcome. Sometimes, not embracing small deaths can mean that we are holding ourselves back from something better.

I shared earlier in a post that the process of grief is not solely for the death of a person in our lives, but it can be for the end of experiences, friendships, and seasons. Similarly, dying to ourselves can take on that death-like process, which may be painful and cause grief but can produce beautiful results.

What exactly is ‘dying to yourself’?

When we die to ourselves, we are saying to God, “I surrender, you are in control. You will provide. You will make all things new. Because of you, I no longer have to live in bondage or chains.” Scripture uses baptism as a tangible picture of this death and new life. When we go into the water, it is a physical representation of dying and coming up reborn into a new life – a life proclaiming Christ. Dying to ourselves is both a one time decision (initially) and an ongoing learning process called sanctification.

God’s kingdom is not like this world. In the eyes of the world, his kingdom is upside down. We start to see that the way we get to some of his greatest plans for our life come through some of the most unconventional ways. For example, we see in scripture that when we lose our life (ie. death) for Christ, we find it (Matthew 10:39). The Bible is full of these kind of references where we lose or give up our life in exchange for something better and eternal. We die not only to ourselves (the flesh), but we die to sin, to an old way of life, and to our idea of control for our life.

When we choose to give up our ideas for our life and give it over to God, we slowly start to look different. We may gain a different vocabulary, a new life motto, and a new perspective. This process takes time and might not be the most comfortable.

Death is essential for growth.

Lately, I have had to die to my ideas of perfection and how it can somehow be achieved this side of heaven. The desire, I believe, was placed in my soul by Christ, but it can only be fulfilled through him, and only in its entirety once we get to heaven. This has looked different for me, as my eyes are opened to my own sinfulness, selfishness, and brokenness. I make mistakes, disappoint people, and God is still sovereign.

This small death of my idea of perfection is one of thousands. Some things I have learned the easy way through the experiences and wisdom of other people, and some I have learned the hard way through my own failure or inability. Each time, I am reminded that my dependence on myself is dying, and my dependence on God is growing.

Just as branches from a fruit tree are pruned off and die, the whole purpose is so the rest of the tree can bear fruit that is much more flavorful and delicious!

What small death is God calling you to die today?

Is it your ideas for your future? Your timeline for your future? Your expectations for your loved ones? Your desire for fame and wealth?

What are you going to die to today in order to find new life and grow?

John 12:24 ESV

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

Romans 6:1-23 ESV

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.

Romans 12:1 ESV

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Ephesians 4:20-24 ESV

But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

John 15:1-27 ESV

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. …

Embrace the Wait

Waiting, the awkward in between, down time, transition time, interm

Transition. The only thing that never changes is change, right? What about when you know a change is coming and you’re stuck waiting for it to happen? What do you call that?

The Wait.

That’s where I am. Waiting. Yet, I also think that is where I have been most of my life. When I was a kid, I was waiting to be 12 to get my ears pierced. Then, I was waiting to be 16 to start driving on my own. Then, I was waiting to graduate and go to college. Then, I was waiting to graduate again and do what I really wanted to do, go to grad school. Now, I am waiting yet again, to fulfill this God-given dream and calling, something that will take years of day in and day out work and dedication, not just a sign on the wall to say I’m done.

I would say there are two types of waiting: Passive and Active.

When I was a late teenager and young adult, I would passively (often anxiously) wait on my date to come pick me up. This meant everything stopped and the only thing I did was wait. It was a very unproductive time. NOTE: There is a difference between being still and being passive. Passive waiting is impatient and hurried while not getting much at all, and being still is not necessarily about waiting, but about calming the mind, body, and soul enough to find peace and hear God. You can be still while you wait, but the passive wait will consume you.

The other kind of wait is active. This means that in the midst of the waiting, I am still doing, still being, still LIVING. For me, that means I am still taking every opportunity to listen, grow, and develop myself, even if it may not be completely applicable for my longer term goals that I am waiting to achieve.

An active wait means that my heart is engaged and seeking what God wants for me in the midst of the time. Especially in suffering, we want it to pass as quickly as possible, but James tells us to embrace trials because we know what they produce. That sounds like an active wait to me- wanting to get the most out of an experience, even suffering, because we know it produces character!

Waiting in the Bible

Probably one of the biggest examples of the passive wait is the Israelites in the Bible. They waited YEARS to get into the promised land and for many, the waiting consumed them and they impatiently turned to complaining and other gods as a result.

On the other hand, Jacob worked 7 years waiting to marry Rachel, and then another 7 after he had been duped. That’s 14 years of waiting, and yet Genesis 29 shows us that the wait seemed like only a few days. He knew his reward and not even the most grueling of waits could get his spirit down.

You may be saying, well I don’t know my reward. If I knew I would for sure get that sexy spouse or job, or [insert other goal here] in 7 years, of course it would make the wait pass by easily, at least I would know it would happen!

What about when we don’t know the outcome?

One of the biggest pictures of waiting is Jacob’s own son, Joseph. He was given a vision that one day he would be great and all his family would bow down to him. However, he did NOT have a timeline or a conceivable way for that to happen. When he was almost killed and then sold into slavery, it seemed like the opposite would happen, yet he ACTIVELY waited. He became the greatest he could in the worst of circumstances each time. He did not let the wait reduce him to complaining and wandering aimlessly, instead, he put in the work and used his gifts right where he was.

Regardless of the kind of wait, we know the process should be filled with HOPE because we have a reason to HOPE in God.

What are YOU waiting for?

HOW are you waiting?

Psalm 130:5-6 ESV

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 27:14 ESV

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Embrace Calling

Since I was a teenager, probably around 7th grade, I have wanted to be a counselor. It switched a couple times over the years, but I always came back. Now, 12 years later at age 25, that dream, that calling that I felt on my life WAY BACK then, is becoming a reality. On May 5th, I graduated from Grace University with my Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I remember in high school, a visitor at church spoke the prophetic word of counselor over me, and I cherished that moment, thinking how could he know- it must be God.

At a staff meeting a little while ago, two people got a similar word and said that it was a word for more than just one person.

They said that the things you have been persevering for, will finally come to fruition.

At first, I didn’t think it really applied to me, until I got that little nudge that said, “that’s YOU.” It is me. This long awaited goal, 12 years in the making, is about to be realized.

Now that I think about it, I have no idea what I would do now, if I set a 12 year goal. Somehow, because I took it in small chunks, it seemed like a breeze. Plus, life happens while we are setting and achieving goals.

Life happens in the midst of realizing our dreams.

God gave me this dream. In some ways I had absolutely no idea how much work or how long it would take to get to this point. It definitely did NOT look the way I had envisioned it looking. I didn’t know I would stay in Omaha this long, or even find a church family and job to help me through grad school. I had no idea that I would get married towards the end (I thought it would be way sooner… and then thought maybe way later).

Nonetheless, I persisted, and God carried me through. Through heartache, numerous jobs, friends, living arrangements, and travels. Through doubt, wanting to have some kind of quick fix, or to stop accumulating school bills. I’m naturally an achiever, but this was a long term achievement, one that will even now extends long past graduation. I wanted to achieve things NOW– in the workplace or finances or family – yet everyone else around me had already begun living their focus. Mine was still a little farther off.

I’ve heard it said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” (Theadore Roosevelt), and at times, I let those comparisons steal my joy. When I was up late doing homework, seeing other friends or acquaintances going out. I was working hard and paying school bills on top of regular life expenses, when others were working towards buying houses or new cars.

Your season may not be the same as another’s, and your calling is absolutely unique to you and who God has created you to be.

Do you have a long term dream or goal?

Has something been placed within you long ago that is slowly coming to fruition?

What are the baby steps you need to take to get there? How can you EMBRACE CALLING in your life today?

Embrace Self-Care

What comes to your mind when you hear the words “Self Care”?

Some in our world would say “Treat Yo-Self”! Others may say, go ahead, you deserve it. On the other end of the spectrum, you have people saying self-care is selfish. Care for others more than yourself, etc. Personally, I have found that taking the time to nurture and care for myself actually helps me to give more and pour into others.

I am at a point in my life where I am extremely busy and getting ready to step into what I have felt was my calling for the past 12 years- to be a mental health counselor. It is exciting and full, but it is also exhausting.

I have had to learn to listen to others like never before. I have learned to be present each hour of the day as I sit with the next person and they unload their burdens. I am learning the art of listening to the Holy Spirit and sensing where he is leading these individuals, whether they know him or not. I am also learning my own limits as a human being and when I need to say no, and take care of myself.

Self Care.

Something that usually comes easily for me, but in a season like this, seems like the last thing I want to do with all that “has” to be done.

At the beginning of last semester, I was preparing for a “busy season” and strategically started writing encouraging reminders to myself in a card. Each one was a verse or a time when I felt God confirmed my calling to me through interaction with other people. Those reminders helped that semester breeze by. In addition to that, I had an amazing group of women who were going through the same process with me, and almost every day, we would encourage one another, sharing verses, prayers, and insight into each others’ situations.

This semester seemed like it would be more of the same. With my internships both being squeezed into one semester, I knew it would be a difficult schedule, perhaps more than the last, but I thought I had made the necessary changes to balance it all out. Turns out that while those changes did help practically, I had forgotten some very important emotional and spiritual resources to keep me going.

I found myself feeling alone and close to burn out.

Thankfully, I had an opportune moment to share some of my feelings with some friends who encouraged me and kept me on track. Then I found that same card that I had written to myself months ago, and read through it again. In order to continue to give to each person coming to see me, I knew (and still know) that I needed to be full.

We see in Scripture that Jesus rested in the midst of the storm when his disciples grew fearful (Matt 8:24), he went up on mountaintops and prayed (Luke 6:12), and he even “withdrew to lonely places to pray” (Luke 5:16). With Jesus, it seemed that rest and prayer were key components in his times away- his self-care was a lifestyle.

Maybe the world’s definition of self care means doing things you enjoy because it will help you maintain mental stability- that can be part of it but is it all of it?

What if the purpose of self-care is to help us achieve a greater purpose?

Sometimes it means seeking to encourage yourself through prayer and communion with God, and sometimes it can mean choosing to encourage others in the midst of your mess (think- those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed. Prov. 11:25). Maybe it means enjoying nature or taking a nap. What fills you up and renews your purpose?

What do you do for self care? Is it helping you achieve your greater purpose? Is it an integral part of your daily, weekly, or yearly way of life?

How can you choose better health for yourself mentally, spiritually, physically, and relationally?

As we know from Jesus’ life, seeking solace and time to nurture his soul was part of his lifestyle. It was intentional and an investment that kept him going. Every so often he chose to get away from the crowds that were constantly vying for his attention and healing touch, and we can take the time to set aside everyday demands to nurture our souls as well.

UNSUBSCRIBE

How many useless emails do you get on a daily basis? I’m always one for a deal, so I seem to find myself signing up for an email discount, and subsequently receiving multiple emails, sometimes daily from the same places about things I neither want nor need.

I find myself almost every morning, weeding out all of those meaningless emails to find the few good ones that actually contain valuable information for my life. Years upon years of spending time reading through subject lines and deleting thousands upon probably millions of emails, and today, just today, I unsubscribed. Thinking it would be too much of a hassle to unsubscribe from these countless emails, I just dealt with them because I thought I had to.

I “suffered” through the daily bombardment of countless emails unnecessarily! All that I had to do was simply scroll to the bottom of the email, and hit that joyous word UNSUBSCRIBE. It was much simpler than I thought, and got me thinking about some other things I was possibly avoiding because they seemed complicated, when they might actually be quite simple.

Maybe that means actually writing that thank you letter that you meant to send to your grandma

calling that friend that you lost touch with
cleaning up the mess in the sink (it will probably take less than 2 minutes- you can do it!)
Folding the clothes
Saying you’re sorry

Sometimes, we build things up in our heads to make them scary and huge, when a simple action can rid us of the worry and anxiety we create for ourselves.

If it actually ends up being bigger, sometimes the simple act can be a good start, and makes it easier to act again, and again, and again.

Unsubscribe.

The Hard Way

A blog I wrote for Brave Avenue!

Remember the hard things you’ve done in the last season to enable you to do the hard things in this season.

As we began our year of 2016, we each chose a theme. After starting to read the book The Entitlement Cure, I chose “The Hard Way” as my theme, and have realized more and more just how fitting it really is and will be for this year.

This past season, I had to make several hard decisions, all of which required hours of prayer, seeking wise counsel and advice from mentors and friends, and the sheer power of the Holy Spirit.

At the onset of this new year, as I chose my theme of “the Hard Way” for 2016, I grew worried of all of the hard decisions I would have to make and how tired and worn out I would be from doing things the hard way…

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The Advantage of Bumpers

Today as I was thinking about life and such, God brought this picture to my mind.

Bowling has gutters and if we aren’t careful or skilled, the ball will end up in the gutter. However, someone came up with this wise idea to put up bumpers in order to guide the ball to where it needs to go (for those of us less skilled at bowling).

Often in life, we can foolishly end up in the gutter and miss the mark completely. However, God put wisdom in place to guide us to where we need to go. James tells us that we don’t have to do anything special to receive that wisdom except ASK!

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

We only need to ask God for wisdom and he will generously give it to us without finding fault!
We have the opportunity to live with wisdom to get us going in God’s direction, and help us make that mark. We cannot do it on our own, we just need to ASK GOD!

Will you ask Him today?

#WinningNovember

I have made my decision. I am not going to live defeated. October felt like a race I was not prepared to run, many times I was left panting and exhausted. This November, I am going to win, but not at the cost of others. We are going to win together. I am tired of one sided winning, competition that puts others down and discourages them. This month, I am #winningNovember!

I heard it said in a class (so don’t credit me), and ever since have grown more and more to love the idea that I don’t have to have that attitude of defeat. I can choose—in advance—to win November. So who’s with me? With all the No—‘s of November, no shave, no pants, no sweets (wait what?!), what are the yeses?! I say yes to winning this November.

John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Even though I know it will be a crazy month, with many things to do, holidays, and thankfulness, November will be won and won together. Not because of ourselves, but because Jesus has already overcome the world and everything it has to throw at us!

I am choosing to win November by not wearing pants—a challenge I have been doing for about 4 years now—speaking about Abide and their mission of #nomoreinnercity, staying disciplined with my health and homework, and investing in relationships–both with God and with the people he has place in my life!

So who’s with me?

Who is #winningNovember?!

Comment below with how you plan to win November!

Victory Dance

Today was deep cleaning day for my bathroom. It had been quite a while because, hey, I’m busy and who else every uses my bathroom besides me, right? Yeah, we’ll just say it was long overdue. Apparently our apartment has hard water because you can see it all over the drains and there is a ring around the toilet where the water sits. Disgusting, I know.

(looked a little something like this)

So I did the whole bleach thing and scrubbed my heart out. Although I got a good amount of it with the first try, there were still those deeper stains that had been there the longest. I let the bleach sit for 10 minutes to really sink into those stains.

I probably scrubbed that toilet for a good 15 minutes and there are still some little spots of hard water stains. So frustrating to leave the toilet knowing that I did not get it all, though those spots may be virtually invisible to the person who just happens to glance in there. AND it did look a whole lot better than what it looked like before. For some reason I could not be fully satisfied. Even now, I go back and think to myself, if only I scrubbed harder or longer, or just didn’t let it sit that long in the first place, it would be all clean!

This process reminds me of Jesus and how he cleanses and purifies us. While we may be considered 100% righteous, because we are justified by his blood, we still have to undergo this process called sanctification. Sometimes the stains are easily removed with a little bleach and the swipe of the brush, and others are tougher and require more attention and time to really scour away. Nonetheless, I know I look a whole lot better than I did before.

BUT… what about that little thing that I can’t seem to get rid of? That little imperfection that always seems to come out at the worst time possible? That daily battle that reminds me just how human I am? Why can’t I seem to get rid of those things and be wholly perfect?

I forget about how far I come and instead of saying “WOW! Look at how far God has brought me!” I think, wow, there’s that little grimy stain, still staring at me, and I can’t seem to scrub hard enough to remove it.

Tonight, we had family night at our church. We celebrated the victory we have in Christ and made the decision to not live with the victim mentality, but to live in the reality of victory because 1 Corinthians 15:57 says, “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Instead of saying “why?” we can say “wow!” and live in awe of all that God has done and is doing in us and around us and through us. We can live with an expectation of victory because we serve a victorious God.

Thank you Jesus for the victory that I have in YOU! May I never forget what you say is true. Recently I’ve felt a little displaced, so please remind me of you unending grace. When all I am says why me? Why now? Please give me the strength to instead say WOW! When I think all is lost-at first glance, now I know to do the victory dance!

EllaSmilesBlog

Category: Discipline