Confessions

Confessions

I love the picture of humility and unity that was displayed at our staff meeting this past week: people coming together. Our leaders outwardly confessed, reconciled and forgave one another for bitterness in their hearts that may have been unbeknownst to the other party. It was amazing to see the love that was spread in these small confessions and brought healing to many! Really, forgiveness has more to do with the person doing the forgiving than the person forgiven.

I have realized that on social media, I have held bitterness in my heart and I have not been completely real or honest. The pictures I post are the life I want to portray to the world but not exactly the whole story. I post the good moments and am silent during the bad or pretend like it is all ok. Yes, I want to live by faith and not make it a habit to complain or gripe, but I also do not want others to think I do not struggle and am some inhuman perfect being. It is quite the opposite actually.

So this goes out to all of my readers, I am sorry for becoming bitter about the lives portrayed and the half stories I receive. But I also ask for forgiveness for perpetuating the very same thing that I do not like!

It’s hard to humble yourself and admit you’re wrong. Let me rephrase that. It is hard for me to humble myself and admit I am wrong. I want to be right! And if I am honest-I would like to think I am always right!

While I love the idea and picture of humility, and appreciate it in others, it is so much more difficult to actually make it happen in my own life. I want to be liked, or perceived in a certain way.

A while ago, in the midst of some difficult times, I was on the phone with a friend whom I had not spoken with in a while and she said, “it looks like your life is great right now!”

And I thought to myself, what is she seeing that makes my life so great, why would she say that?!

It wasn’t until I took a look at what I portrayed to the rest of the world when I realized just how bad it was. While sometimes I may want it to be good so I act like it is, sometimes it’s not and instead I am silent. I wonder who else out there, instead of faking like it’s ok, they are silent? The moment they find one ray of hope, they share it with the world and the world thinks life is perfect.

Forgive me for acting like I have it all together all the time.

Social media is a fragile and complicated thing. One can over share- complaints, TMI, or nonsense, but one can also portray themselves in the way they would like to be seen instead of who they are—flaws and all.

I’m working on it. I don’t have it all together or know exactly how to walk this thin tightrope of reality and truth mixed with respect and dignity. All I ask is that you join with me in not only speaking the truth, but in living it as well.

Coffee is like sin?

coffee-eh

Coffee is like sin…

for me at least

I am a tea drinker. I love tea and have so many different kinds as well as methods to drink it, loose leaf, tagless tea bags, silk tea bags, French press, different steepers, etc. The list goes on and on and my collection is somewhat extensive, as I like trying new kinds. However, in the midst of my deep sea of tea, every once in a while I have a craving for coffee. I usually can put it off and continue in my tea drinking ways, but sometimes, I just have to give in to those wonderful memories of how warm and cozy coffee tastes and the smell and energy it gives. By now, I should know that my memory so often fails me and I deceive myself into thinking I actually like coffee, when in reality, it causes me nothing but trouble. Today, for example, I decided that I had enough of this longing to drink a cup and so I made some this morning. I doctored it up with milk and honey and cinnamon to make it taste better (obviously), and took my first sip. Disappointment. It was not as good as I remembered it being and left my mouth feeling weird. Now maybe I just don’t know how to make a good cup of coffee or maybe this is real, I’m not sure, but I know what happened later on was real. I went about my usual day with my roommate but soon started to feel uneasy and queasy and had to go to the bathroom a couple times! What was wrong with me?! I couldn’t understand why I was feeling so nervous and jittery all of the sudden and then it hit me…. Well it already had hit me, but this time mentally. THE COFFEE. In just a short conversation with a friend about the negative effects of coffee, I realized how it seems to always promise energy and goodness but never delivers, leaving me with dehydrated jittery energy and an upset stomach. I guess it does deliver, just not in the way I wish it did.

This seems to be a lot like sin. We build something up in our mind, forgetting the negative impacts from previous times and only remember the bright and glittery promises. However, when we actually cave and experience it, the memories of the regret and negative effects come back, and we realize why we weren’t doing it in the first place. So often we get caught up in the empty promises of this world that just leave us feeling uneasy and ill. We forget the good that we already have and try to go back to the empty promises of yesterday.

This time, I found someone to keep me accountable. I told my roommate, do NOT let me drink coffee. It is horrible for me and I hate the way I feel. Now I need to do the same about my sinful habits. Do not let me do _______; I will regret it and it will only leave me feeling empty and wanting.